


The Taming of the Jew

by EveryUsernameWasTaken



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Drug Use, F/M, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Racist Language, Sex for Favors, Theatre
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 14:05:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16064666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveryUsernameWasTaken/pseuds/EveryUsernameWasTaken
Summary: When mr Garrison decides to involve the students in a theatre play for a school project, everybody knows this is not going to end well. Meanwhile, Kenny is still poor.





	The Taming of the Jew

**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd. Strong language, South Park being South Park. English is not my native language, have mercy on me :)

The exact moment the announcement, preceded by the usual horrid screeching sound, echoed through the school hallways, the entire senior year of the South Park high school knew it meant just one thing: troubles.  
Problem was, due to the insistence of the laboratory teacher in consuming heroin, the school schedule had been left with a hole within the lab hours, and the entire year lacking a number of credits in “educational activities” necessary to fill that gap.  
The enlightened minds of the school board had reunited together to find a solution, who came in the person of the everlasting mr Garrison, fresh from his ascent to high school he had successfully accomplished lately. Garrison was an ambitious human being with a lot of dreams in a drawer, and he just had to open it and randomly pick up one, in this case one that was laying there, dusting from a long time.  
He had proposed to involve the senior students in a classical theatre performance, some “good ol’ William” as he confidentially defined Shakespeare, presented in a what he assured was “a total new vision” and “a different perspective”, submitting to them a slightly retouched version of _The taming of the Shrew_. The schoolboard, which couldn’t honestly care less and just needed something vaguely resembling the word “educational” to fill those hours, had fundamentally cut him loose.  
Without further ado, Garrison had spread a croacky announcement, explaining he had hanged a list on the bulletin board for those interested in the activity. Two days before the Monday scheduled for the first encounter, the list was already overflowing with the names of the whole senior year. The success of the initiative had been extraordinary. It looked like everybody was just fighting to get a part in the play. There were enough people on that list to build an army.  
On Monday, a new list appeared on the homeroom door. It seemed Garrison had already assigned a role to each one of the people who signed their names during the previous days, without any audition. The students busied themselves into finding their names on the list, but it wasn’t a pleasant surprise for everyone.  
\- _Kate_? – exclaimed a puzzled Kyle Broflovski – it can’t be right.  
Stan March, his best friend since third grade, leaned in to look. He overcame Kyle in height by a couple of inches at least and was still wearing his basketball shirt.  
\- Who are you? – Kyle asked him.  
\- I am one Lucentio – the boy replied, a dubious shine in his blue eyes – I don’t even know who he is, to be honest, I haven’t read the play.  
\- This is ridiculous. – stated the redhead – maybe Garrison has accidentally mixed up some parts? Bebe? Wendy?  
At the same time, a shrilling burst of laughter erupted from the girls’ consess just over the door. Bebe Stevens shook her head and let her blonde curls fell on her busty chest, a mischievous glow in her eyes.  
\- No, Kyle. I am Bianca. This means I’m your sister!  
The girls seemed again to be caught by an uncontrollable excess of laughter.  
\- Gee, I don’t think it’s that bad, Kyle – piped up Butters. Kyle turned towards him.  
\- It’s easy for you to say. You are Hortensio.  
Butters had grown pale, slim and fair, even if looking at his height, you couldn’t say he had grown that much. His father, Stephen Stotch, kept on reassuring him he was a late bloomer and everytime the subject emerged, his son’s classmates pointed out that some plants never bloom. Said plant was now looking at Kyle with wide eyes.  
\- Weeeell...Maybe is your high-pitched voice - he said. His own one became smaller when Kyle frowned at him - I am just suggesting. It seems a little bit high-pitched. Still. Not always. Just sometimes.  
The redhead sighed.  
\- You cannot make a fuss, though. - the other boy desperately tried to make it up for making a blunder - It’s one of the protagonist.  
Kyle was on the verge of trashing something, but he knew Butters meant well.  
\- Look, I don’t really care about this play, dude. I could go with a character saying one line. I just don’t think it’s right that I’ve been casted as a female, that’s all!  
\- If you don’t care about it, w-w-why are you here? – asked Butters, wringing his hands.  
\- Because the only alternative educational activity was shovel the snow off the school yard, and since we’re the only town in the world where it snows even in July, it’s not what one wants to do. – replied Kyle, voice full of anger.  
\- I thought everybody was here for this reason – chimed in Craig Tucker.  
\- I-I don’t know, I really like theatre. And J-Jimmy as well – said Butters. His statement earned him a slap on the neck by Craig.  
\- Ga-ay.  
\- Theatre is the representation of life – replied Eric Cartman in a patronizing tone. He was not anymore so severely obese as he was as a child, but had grown up bulky and sturdy and certainly losing some pounds wouldn’t have done harm. On the list, his name was typed next to the reference “Petruchio”. – that’s why I think the parts we were given are a total spot on. Like Kenny, who’s a servant. Cause in real life he’s poor.  
Kyle whirled toward a scrawny, skinny blonde wrapped up in a parka, who was lazily rolling a smoke leaning on the wall.  
\- This is outrageous! How can you accept that?!  
\- Hey, I don’t give a shit, man. I just don’t want to shovel snow – Kenny McCormick replied, blowing away the fringe from his eyes.  
\- Just accept it’s a mirror of reality, Kyle – insisted Eric.  
\- How come you have that role, Cartman? – aggressively retorted Kyle – whose ass did you have to lick to obtain that? Cause last time I checked, you were not a gentleman from Verona!  
\- The only thing that should be licked here are my hairy balls. By you. _Caro mio_. – tonelessly replied Cartman.  
The door opened, revealing a radiant mr Garrison, looking all good and even sporting a trucker cap.  
\- Ok, everybody come in. Kenneth, throw away that crap before I confiscate it and smoke it, all right? – he said, leading the class in the homeroom.  
The professor gathered his flock of sheep at the foot of the stage and started providing everybody with a copy of the script, meant to be defended with life. Kyle quickly approached him.  
\- Uh…mr Garrison?  
\- Yes, Kyle?  
\- I think there’s been a mistake in the assignment of my role…  
Garrison interrupted him briskly, rolling his eyes.  
\- Kyle, I will not accept any complaints for the part I gave you. Just remember, there are no small parts, only small actors.  
\- No, it’s that…you see…it appears I have been casted for the role of Kate. – Garrison shooked him a glance.  
\- So? It’s one of the lead characters!  
\- Mr Garrison. Kate is a woman.  
The professor froze on the act of giving to Token Black (Tranio) his copy of the script.  
\- Kyle, I think we are far beyond the point in which we all agree that what you are saying is disrespectful – he sternly replied – you can’t determine what she’s inside. Plus, don’t you know that during Shakespearean times, female roles were played by boys in a corset?  
\- Yeeeah, don’t you know, Kaaaahl? – mockingly echoed Eric, who had silently followed the entire conversation. Kyle ignored him.  
\- Mr Garrison, I protest. These roles are assigned without even an audition, and are soleily based on look and appearance. How is this fair?  
Garrison turned on him like a snake in the grass.  
\- Well Kyle, I’d like to inform you that this is 99% show business! Everything is about physique du rôle. Do you think talent has to do anything with anything?  
\- And what does this have to do with me?! I don’t look like a Kate! – Kyle exploded.  
\- How can you be so retarded! – Cartman jumped in as if it was obvious – you can tell you haven’t read the play. She’s a totally curly-haired half ginger! A daywalker, like you!  
\- Just in some representations! Shakespeare never said that! – argued Kyle – also, there are other ginger people around! There is Red! She’s a girl! Why don’t you use her? – he turned to his best friend with open arms, seeking comfort – why me?!  
Stan looked at him in the eyes and then diverted the gaze, looking slightly ashamed.  
\- Well, dude…sometimes you are a bit of a shrew.  
Kyle emitted a bellow dangerously similar to Sheila Broflovski.  
\- WHAT!?  
\- All right, all right – said Garrison clapping his hands – since we are all settled here, why don’t we start reading from… - he absentmindedly flipped through the pages of the script – act 3 scene 2 page 129, just to warm up the engines.  
The room resonated with groans and cranky exclamations.  
\- Now! From “ _Enter Petruchio, Katherine, Bianca, Hortensio, Baptista, Grumio, and Attendants_ ”. Gremio, you’re on stage as well. Hurry up, bitches!  
Cartman, Bebe, Butters, Jimmy Valmer, Kenny and Clyde Donovan obediently aligned onstage. Kyle followed, the script crumpled in his hands, still fuming at Stan for what he considered a total betrayal. He was so concentrated in his vindictive thoughts, he didn’t pay attention to the scene and forgot when it was his turn to speak.  
\- Earth calls Kyle! – howled Garrison, rousing him from his reverie – it’s your turn!  
He practically jumped, caught off guard, and started skimming through the pages trying to find his line.  
\- Sorry.  
Garrison sighed. Cartman cleared his throat.  
\- Clyde, give him the lines, again.  
\- _Let me entreat you._  
\- _It cannot be_ – replied Cartman haughtily.  
Kyle exhaled deeply and started to prepare to say the first consonant, but the words died in his mouth. He hastily turned to the professor, who was sat in the first row of chairs in front of the stage, surrounded by the rest of the class.  
\- Shall I really do that?  
\- Go on and DO IT! – yelled Garrison, scarily sounding like a fed up coreographer. Kyle startled.  
\- Jesus, all right, all right!  
\- _LINES_!  
\- _Let me entreat you_.  
\- _It cannot be_ – Cartman’s voice was the one of a consummate actor.  
\- _Let me entreat you_ … fatass – read Kyle.  
The students sniggered. Cartman’s eyes flashed with rage.  
\- It’s not the right line, Kyle – mr Garrison scolded – remember, guys, at this point we just follow the script and take no freedom to improvise, ok? From the beginning.  
\- _Let me entreat you_.  
\- _It cannot be_. – Cartman said, in a menacing tone.  
\- _Let me entreat you_. – Kyle bestowed.  
\- _I am content_. – replied Cartman, as script.  
\- _Are you content to stay_ …lardass? – said Kyle.  
Cartman screamed so loudly that Token, who was sat in the second row and dreamily typing on his phone, thought someone had stepped on his foot.  
\- THAT’S IT! I want to beat him up to death!  
\- Eric, you can’t beat him up to death, he’s the lead character. – Garrison replied with annoyance.  
Cartman exploded in one of his childish tantrums.  
\- I WANT TO BEAT HIM UP TO DEATH!  
\- Please, just beat me up to death – flatly requested Kyle.  
\- NOBODY IS BEATING UP NONE – screamed Garrison, so loud the windows shook – that’s not what the script says, we’re not improvising, we’re following the script!  
\- This is just unbelievable! – protested Kyle some time after the bell rang, while he and Stan were walking their way out through the school corridor. The newbie actors were instructed to write one page about their character’s behaviour as homework for the next rehearsal. – there’s plenty of girls in our year and nobody says Kate is redhead. I bet this is all a plan hatched against me. I’m gonna be the school joke! And what’s all this nonsense about me being a shrew? It is…  
The boy stopped mid-sentence and froze in the middle of the hallway, horrified.  
\- You don’t think I am starting to look like my mother, do you?  
Stan heavily sighed and dragged him by the arm to move him forward.  
\- Dude, listen…who cares. It’s just a stupid school play to get some credits, remember? Nobody gives a fuck about it. Don’t make it bigger than it is.  
Kyle lowered his gaze and kicked an abandoned pencil, that rolled on the floor until it crashed into a corner.  
\- Yeah…yeah, I suppose you are right.


End file.
